I'm at the upper ends of my 40s and this is very much my experience. I am childless and do not have a partner. I quit my (very secure) job as a college professor and left my life and home in FL to move back to NY. I feel kind of adrift these days because I don't know what's next--I literally don't know what to do, where I want to live, if I want to be partnered, etc. I do know--and its the only thing I am certain of these days--that I want to be happy.
I completely relate to this! Also moved back to NY childless and single and unsure what was next. I know it can be a rollercoaster, but excited for you! xx
Wonderful insights. Thank you for clearly and concisely explaining the trend and validating it. I'm sort of in the process of "blowing up my life" (leaving a professional for a passion), except that my ability to do so hinges on the financial stability afforded through my marriage. I think this doesn't enter the conversation enough. I am happily married, fortunately, but am I still participating in the patriarchal structure by allowing my husband to bankroll my blow up? Or is it a feminist act of support on his part? Fine lines.
Quit my job as a college professor at 39 because, as you said here, after achieving the goal I’d set for my life I realized I didn’t even really want it. I’ve spent years unraveling myself, trying to understand what I actually *do* want. And it’s been rewarding but also quite lonely. After stepping outside of a conventional career/achievement structure, I often feel like people within such structures aren’t sure what to make of me. Or like they might even resent me a little? I’m also childfree, so I don’t have the structure of parenthood to slot myself into and make myself easily legible to others. Anyway, this is all to say that your essay helped me feel less lonely. ❤️
Oh Elisa, yesss, everything you're saying I relate to! Making yourself "legible" to others is such a good way to put it. Most people slot themselves into these structures and systems and it can totally feel uncomfortable when and lonely when we choose to move outside of them. Thanks for sharing and for reading! ❤️
This is a great piece! It occurred to me as I was reading it that I think mid life crisis for men seem to be about trying to get more (more flashy stuff, more attention, more validation) and it appears to me (a woman in my 40s) that me and my friends hit mid life wanting LESS - less bullshit, more time to ourselves, less doing for others, the dream (for some who are partnered) of living alone again...
Yes, totally agree and as a woman in my early 40s who walked away from my career and moved abroad, I am definitely living this myself.
I think for a lot of women it’s also about reconnecting to who we were and what we enjoyed as children before all of life’s responsibilities got in the way. Whereas for men perhaps that’s less salient since men often continue with their boyhood hobbies like video games or comic books or watching sports into adulthood.
I am childless, now in my late 70s. Part of the front edge of the Boomer generation. My life blew up when I suddenly woke up out of a sleeping dream knowing I wanted a divorce. Divorce had not been a word in my vocabulary. My husband and I had been happy, it seemed to me and everyone around us, for 11 years. The realization of my desire for divorce was precipitated in part by my childlessness. Had it not been for that, I might have bumped along many more years in that marriage and my husband’s view of the shape my life was supposed to take. The sudden realization from my subconsciousness was an unimaginable surprise. I was 35. But I immediately knew it was true. I’d been struggling to keep myself in my unhappy marriage in ways that actually hurt myself. I knew then, like immovable concrete, that divorce was absolutely what I needed to do. And I knew I would do it, no matter how hard it would be to learn to stand on my own 2 feet financially and emotionally. I filed for divorce and put myself into therapy immediately. It was therapy for co-dependency and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Though I feared “my life is over” it really started to take a new, fully happy shape as I turned 40. My life continues to have some areas where I struggle for decisiveness on acting in my own best interest, but it has become exciting and rewarding in ways I never could have imagined. I think that finding myself and taking actions to please myself is a continuous process of unlayering and learning. Grief therapy in my mid-seventies over my childlessness, divorce and loss of my adopted country has helped me process the deep childlessness grief that our patriarchal society dis-enfranchises. Before the mid-1980s there were no support groups or supportive literature for women grieving infertility. So the recent grief therapy has helped me to process that pain in a way that opens more doors to happiness for me. Though my story is heavily marked by my experience of childlessness, I had women friends with children who were going through the same blow-up as me around the same time. Your newsletter rings so true. Thank you for this. And thank you for the feminist movement. Hazel Lutz
Hazel - thank you so, so much for sharing your story! I think it's so interesting (and relatable) that the divorce was precipitated by your childlessness. I'm so happy for you and impressed that you took action when you "woke up," it's amazing how clear it all was to you, though I'm sure it wasn't easy at all. I relate to this so much: " I think that finding myself and taking actions to please myself is a continuous process of unlayering and learning." I'm so glad therapy has done so much, and that you've found the more recent support for infertility grieving. Thank you so much again for sharing, I absolutely loved reading this - I relate and appreciate it so much! xx
And this may be off topic, but purchased and listened to your book because of your Substack. I enjoyed it, particularly the Edie's internal growth and expanding definition of positive or necessary relationships. I look forward to your next book.
“This opting out can be viewed, from the outside, as the opposite of progress, when in truth it’s often our first genuine step towards it.” The statistics on heterosexual women not dating over the age of 45 is staggering and speaks volumes!
Emily!!! Loved this piece. I blew my life up a few years ago - only in my late twenties then but already 10 years into the path (long term relationship, house, dog, corporate career) and I’ve done everything under the sun since and grieved the painful loss of it all whilst being held by the North Star of “I want to be happy”. The confusion state that one commenter mentions of not knowing what, where, how etc of the next move is terrifying but I saw it through and I’ve finally landed - I’m going back to university as a 32 year old about to study English and I’ve never felt more excited and truly engaged with a life choice. I am so so proud of myself and of everyone else who decides to go against the status quo and blow their life up. We deserve happiness!!!
Ahh I love this story!! I'm SO happy you pushed through and found something that genuinely excites you!! You should absolutely be proud.. thank you for sharing!! xx
This resonates with me so much, thank you. Post-hysterectomy, on HRT, nine year old child, currently in the midst of separation from my partner, working towards leaving my career…it’s validating to hear I’m not the only one. And I so agree. Our reframing of the narrative for women MUST include/work hard for women of colour.
Yup, my divorce cleared and I ran a marathon the month of my 40th birthday, and I left my job for freelance two years later. In first year of leaving, I thew myself a small anti-versary party with streamers and a piñata. It felt joyful and yet also so subversive and uncomfortable to be silly and mark a milestone for myself in the way I would for a child (I have no children), and this article has crystallized for me why it felt that way.
God I loved reading this! As an also 43 year old, happily divorced at 29 and waving off my 18 yr old on her summer of travels before uni, I have spent the last year truly thinking through “what next?”…..I have decided I don’t want to go any further up in my career because I’ll lose the flexibility I have currently and people will demand more than I frankly just don’t care about giving anymore.
I have decided that this summer will be focussed on redecorating my home. I’ve forever loved interiors and crafts, furniture, design etc and since I’m spending more time alone than I ever have before, I want home to truly be my sanctuary as I embrace my next chapter….whatever that evolves into…I still have no clue but for the first time ever, I don’t care! I’m just taking it as it comes.
All well and good until you realize male built foundation that allows you to even know what a Carvel ice cream even is. You assume the availability of so much. The life unexamined is apparently doing just fine and dandy.
I'm at the upper ends of my 40s and this is very much my experience. I am childless and do not have a partner. I quit my (very secure) job as a college professor and left my life and home in FL to move back to NY. I feel kind of adrift these days because I don't know what's next--I literally don't know what to do, where I want to live, if I want to be partnered, etc. I do know--and its the only thing I am certain of these days--that I want to be happy.
I completely relate to this! Also moved back to NY childless and single and unsure what was next. I know it can be a rollercoaster, but excited for you! xx
Wonderful insights. Thank you for clearly and concisely explaining the trend and validating it. I'm sort of in the process of "blowing up my life" (leaving a professional for a passion), except that my ability to do so hinges on the financial stability afforded through my marriage. I think this doesn't enter the conversation enough. I am happily married, fortunately, but am I still participating in the patriarchal structure by allowing my husband to bankroll my blow up? Or is it a feminist act of support on his part? Fine lines.
As a 40something trying to blow up *both* my career and my relationship/family structure, I think there’s some benefit in
staggering this kind of thing!
Oh my gosh I can imagine! But excited for you ❤️
Yup. Currently in the midst of (trying to) separate from my partner (she/they) and the economics of co-parenting are a reality check.
Ahh yes so interesting! And congrats on the shift!! I think many women would relate to this ❤️
Quit my job as a college professor at 39 because, as you said here, after achieving the goal I’d set for my life I realized I didn’t even really want it. I’ve spent years unraveling myself, trying to understand what I actually *do* want. And it’s been rewarding but also quite lonely. After stepping outside of a conventional career/achievement structure, I often feel like people within such structures aren’t sure what to make of me. Or like they might even resent me a little? I’m also childfree, so I don’t have the structure of parenthood to slot myself into and make myself easily legible to others. Anyway, this is all to say that your essay helped me feel less lonely. ❤️
Oh Elisa, yesss, everything you're saying I relate to! Making yourself "legible" to others is such a good way to put it. Most people slot themselves into these structures and systems and it can totally feel uncomfortable when and lonely when we choose to move outside of them. Thanks for sharing and for reading! ❤️
This is a great piece! It occurred to me as I was reading it that I think mid life crisis for men seem to be about trying to get more (more flashy stuff, more attention, more validation) and it appears to me (a woman in my 40s) that me and my friends hit mid life wanting LESS - less bullshit, more time to ourselves, less doing for others, the dream (for some who are partnered) of living alone again...
YES! Exactly!! I see that so often. Thank you so much for reading!! x
Yes, totally agree and as a woman in my early 40s who walked away from my career and moved abroad, I am definitely living this myself.
I think for a lot of women it’s also about reconnecting to who we were and what we enjoyed as children before all of life’s responsibilities got in the way. Whereas for men perhaps that’s less salient since men often continue with their boyhood hobbies like video games or comic books or watching sports into adulthood.
100% re connecting with the childhood self, especially as women! Congrats on the shift and move, sounds wonderful! x
I am childless, now in my late 70s. Part of the front edge of the Boomer generation. My life blew up when I suddenly woke up out of a sleeping dream knowing I wanted a divorce. Divorce had not been a word in my vocabulary. My husband and I had been happy, it seemed to me and everyone around us, for 11 years. The realization of my desire for divorce was precipitated in part by my childlessness. Had it not been for that, I might have bumped along many more years in that marriage and my husband’s view of the shape my life was supposed to take. The sudden realization from my subconsciousness was an unimaginable surprise. I was 35. But I immediately knew it was true. I’d been struggling to keep myself in my unhappy marriage in ways that actually hurt myself. I knew then, like immovable concrete, that divorce was absolutely what I needed to do. And I knew I would do it, no matter how hard it would be to learn to stand on my own 2 feet financially and emotionally. I filed for divorce and put myself into therapy immediately. It was therapy for co-dependency and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Though I feared “my life is over” it really started to take a new, fully happy shape as I turned 40. My life continues to have some areas where I struggle for decisiveness on acting in my own best interest, but it has become exciting and rewarding in ways I never could have imagined. I think that finding myself and taking actions to please myself is a continuous process of unlayering and learning. Grief therapy in my mid-seventies over my childlessness, divorce and loss of my adopted country has helped me process the deep childlessness grief that our patriarchal society dis-enfranchises. Before the mid-1980s there were no support groups or supportive literature for women grieving infertility. So the recent grief therapy has helped me to process that pain in a way that opens more doors to happiness for me. Though my story is heavily marked by my experience of childlessness, I had women friends with children who were going through the same blow-up as me around the same time. Your newsletter rings so true. Thank you for this. And thank you for the feminist movement. Hazel Lutz
Hazel - thank you so, so much for sharing your story! I think it's so interesting (and relatable) that the divorce was precipitated by your childlessness. I'm so happy for you and impressed that you took action when you "woke up," it's amazing how clear it all was to you, though I'm sure it wasn't easy at all. I relate to this so much: " I think that finding myself and taking actions to please myself is a continuous process of unlayering and learning." I'm so glad therapy has done so much, and that you've found the more recent support for infertility grieving. Thank you so much again for sharing, I absolutely loved reading this - I relate and appreciate it so much! xx
Great post.
And this may be off topic, but purchased and listened to your book because of your Substack. I enjoyed it, particularly the Edie's internal growth and expanding definition of positive or necessary relationships. I look forward to your next book.
Oh amazing, thank you so much! Edie's internal growth was also my favorite part :) Thank you for reading/listening!
“This opting out can be viewed, from the outside, as the opposite of progress, when in truth it’s often our first genuine step towards it.” The statistics on heterosexual women not dating over the age of 45 is staggering and speaks volumes!
Completely agree!! Not to push my own writing but I think it makes total sense for het women to opt out of dating these days :) https://emjsmith.substack.com/p/is-hetero-partnership-worth-the-misery
There is nothing wrong with self promotion!
❤️
Emily!!! Loved this piece. I blew my life up a few years ago - only in my late twenties then but already 10 years into the path (long term relationship, house, dog, corporate career) and I’ve done everything under the sun since and grieved the painful loss of it all whilst being held by the North Star of “I want to be happy”. The confusion state that one commenter mentions of not knowing what, where, how etc of the next move is terrifying but I saw it through and I’ve finally landed - I’m going back to university as a 32 year old about to study English and I’ve never felt more excited and truly engaged with a life choice. I am so so proud of myself and of everyone else who decides to go against the status quo and blow their life up. We deserve happiness!!!
Ahh I love this story!! I'm SO happy you pushed through and found something that genuinely excites you!! You should absolutely be proud.. thank you for sharing!! xx
This resonates with me so much, thank you. Post-hysterectomy, on HRT, nine year old child, currently in the midst of separation from my partner, working towards leaving my career…it’s validating to hear I’m not the only one. And I so agree. Our reframing of the narrative for women MUST include/work hard for women of colour.
Yes! And wow so much change, definitely in good company with other women! Thank you for reading and sharing ❤️
Yup, my divorce cleared and I ran a marathon the month of my 40th birthday, and I left my job for freelance two years later. In first year of leaving, I thew myself a small anti-versary party with streamers and a piñata. It felt joyful and yet also so subversive and uncomfortable to be silly and mark a milestone for myself in the way I would for a child (I have no children), and this article has crystallized for me why it felt that way.
Yes!! Oh I SO relate to this, and love that you did that! xx
I love this and I haven’t even read it.
Ha thank you!! ❤️
God I loved reading this! As an also 43 year old, happily divorced at 29 and waving off my 18 yr old on her summer of travels before uni, I have spent the last year truly thinking through “what next?”…..I have decided I don’t want to go any further up in my career because I’ll lose the flexibility I have currently and people will demand more than I frankly just don’t care about giving anymore.
I have decided that this summer will be focussed on redecorating my home. I’ve forever loved interiors and crafts, furniture, design etc and since I’m spending more time alone than I ever have before, I want home to truly be my sanctuary as I embrace my next chapter….whatever that evolves into…I still have no clue but for the first time ever, I don’t care! I’m just taking it as it comes.
Oh wow, I love that so much... and very much excited for your next chapter!! Thank you for reading and sharing! xx
All well and good until you realize male built foundation that allows you to even know what a Carvel ice cream even is. You assume the availability of so much. The life unexamined is apparently doing just fine and dandy.