Setting and Breaking Rules
On compulsions, writing, and the end of a year.
Opening Substack to write a newsletter lately feels a little like walking into a Target. I immediately want to get out. There is too much stuff everywhere and though I’m pretty sure I don’t need like 99% of it, I can’t stop looking and touching and two hours later my cart is somehow full though I didn’t actually find the one thing I was actually there for. Such is life on the internet.
Mostly, this feeling of overwhelm is why I haven’t written this newsletter in a while despite telling myself that I should absolutely, definitely be publishing weekly now that I’m not working full-time. I have ideas, drafts sit unsent, but once I get a few hundred words in, I think—who cares? Not in a self-pitying way, more in a matter-of-fact way and I go back to working on my novel.
This past year, my general rule was that I would only send this newsletter if I had something to say, not for the sake of checking it off a to-do list. Except that I am doing exactly that right now lol. It’s the end of the year and it’s been a while since I’ve written and everyone else is doing end-of-year posts and this forced-posting was not the plan but here it is, bringing me to the page nonetheless.
And this tension—between making and breaking rules—is what I happen to have spent much of my time this year thinking about…and is also the original inspo for this newsletter (“unresolving”). When should we adhere vs. veer? At what point is a rule serving vs hindering? How do we set boundaries in order to wildly roam free?
I love rules. I’ve long crafted routines in order to optimize on what culture deems “successful.” I’ve never smoked a cigarette or done an addictive drug (aside from alcohol, admittedly a big one) because there is no doubt in my mind that I would be brutally and instantly addicted; even the thought of a cigarette in my mouth makes me feel like a baby with a bottle and I’ve never even had one. I’m prone to extremes; without rules, I fear free fall.
But more and more as I get older, Im figuring out how and when I need to un-break, tweak, and reset the structures I’ve put in place. The past decade has been a kind of perpetual game of “fuck, marry, kill” with the rules of my former self.
For a long time I had a rule in which I wouldn’t allow myself dinner unless I ran at least seven miles. While this daily routine was out masquerading as “healthy,” let me assure you it was the the least healthy period of my life (textbook orthorexia, I now know). Every day was organized around my runs, then the exact meal I’d reward myself with—ritualistic and near spiritual in nature. This level of dedication took up at least a third of my brainpower and left no room for regular-person activities like going for a walk or visiting a museum or anything spur-of-the-moment, nor did it allow for checking in with my body because that was besides the point; the point was the routine. Adhering to my rules made intimate relationships difficult if not impossible, like I was always holding a small glass ball behind my back, which I couldn’t let anyone see and also couldn’t let drop.
Part of unbreaking the rules is learning to reconnect with the body and listen to the famed “gut feeling,” which must first be accessed, a nontrivial task to be sure. Meanwhile, the precision of a clear, external goal is compelling: put me at the bottom of a mountain, for example, and I’ll run straight to the top. But put me on a random trail and ask me to walk as long as I feel like it and I probably won’t move an inch, sitting there confused and mumbling... to what end?
As I get older and become increasingly disillusioned by the goals of my former self, I’m increasingly prone to figuring out my own ends. It seems at some point in our thirties, women realize the markers of success our culture has imposed on us are mostly bogus if not self-destructive. And so we embark on setting our own definitions, an ongoing and imprecise exercise that, if we approach it honestly, serves the very crucial purpose of keeping our souls alive.
This time of year I think a lot about what ambition looks like to me, a definition I’ve come to accept as nonlinear, even circular, and changing day-to-day. This coming year, it’s something like being regularly engaged in writing that excites me. When this is true my brain feels alive, I generally have more energy, show up better in my relationships, and am more curious about the world. To achieve this, I’ve learned, requires submitting to swaths of depresso-nothing-time, when nothing is working and I feel extraordinarily useless, and also large periods of hyper-focused time accompanied by epic to-do lists. In other words, the habits that get me to the end state are oscillating and contradictory and don’t consistently feel like “progress.” But the bigger aim remains, a subjective goal that lies beyond the checking of boxes, though of course sometimes requires the checking of boxes.
This year was mostly about preparing for the release of my DEBUT NOVEL(!!!), which is out in Feb 18th from William Morrow. This is still totally unreal to me and ever since I got the book deal 16 months ago, I wake up reminding myself that a very real dream is coming true, one a decade in the making. This year was particularly unique in that it was post-book-deal (I could sit securely knowing I will soon be a published author) but also pre-launch (I don’t yet have to confront the reality of sales data). In other words, it was the year of the daydream. Often, I lay in bed imagining where it might sit on the bestseller list and who will play “me” when Emma Roberts buys the rights and it becomes a hit limited series (Julia Garner, ideally, given her talent and, crucially, her curly hair). These are not expectations but all-out fantasies, the playful inhabitance of a dream, like the seconds before scratching a lotto card. No one believes they’ll win, but you play because it’s fun to imagine.
Next year, I’ll be thrust back into reality as the book hits shelves and sales data rolls in. Regardless, I’m tremendously proud of the responses from writers who read it and had genuinely great things to say! And I’m deeply curious to have it out in the world (Book Tour details coming next week!!!)!
Much of this newsletter is about transitioning from and between a creative life and a traditionally corporate life, and the year for me was a particularly stark representation of this duality. The first half was spent working full-time in a tech job, relishing the benefits of health insurance and a 401k while using the hyper-logical side of my brain, plugging into a role that didn’t exactly nourish my soul but paid well and had the glorious perk of not relying solely on self-motivation. While the second half was spent writing full-time, shaping my days as I like, spending my energy on the thing I most want to think about, and escaping into the non-reality of fiction, albeit without any income or health insurance while relying entirely on self motivation. The day-to-day of these two could not have been more different and it’s kind of my ideal configuration—going deep in one extreme, then oscillating to the next, able to fully appreciate what each has to offer, then dismounting as the drudgery sets in. I’ve said, I wish our culture made more space for extended and frequent breaks, rather than narrowing us into a single, continuous path.
The first half of next year will be spent marketing Nothing Serious and working on my next book. But the second half is a big question mark. In general, I hope to quiet the noise so I can live beyond “rules” and closer to the gut. So I can not feel like I’m in a Target, but more like an empty room, even if it’s just an illusion and only lasts long enough to finish a post.
Most Popular Posts This Year
My three most popular posts this year were all very much related to the theme of structuring work to suit your creative life and re-shaping one’s definition of ambition:
Posts Related to the Publishing Journey
In the ongoing voyage of publishing a novel, here were a few big milestones from the year:
Top Posts Related to Dating and Relationships
Forever my favorite topic to write about:
I ended up writing 17 posts this year and grew my subscribers by ~30%, which tbh is not many in absolute terms, but percentage-wise is pretty cool :)
Are there any topics in particular you’d like to see covered this year? Let me know in the comments!
Favorite Books I Read This Year
This is the first year of my life that I tracked how many books I read. 30 is the total, which is a lot for me (how do people read a book a week? I like TV too much!)! So many of these books were incredible, but here’s a top five…
All Fours by Miranda July — Like everyone else; the hype was deserved.
Homesick (A Memoir) by Jennifer Croft — A gorgeously written and physically beautiful homage to sisters.
Member of the Wedding by Carson McCullers — A classic I had not yet read and was very glad I did.
Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp — Has stayed in my mind since. Her book Appetites also altered me when I read it years ago.
Rejection by Tony Tulathimutte — Stunned by how disturbing, on point, and hilarious this book was.
I’m always happy to see one of your posts in my inbox! Have my preorder in and can’t wait to read the book. I have no doubt it’s going to be an amazing read!!
Emily, you’ve captured the conflict of doing v. being perfectly. Good luck on your book tour!!