I never comment on substack, but I loved your article. You nailed it. It made me cry. It pretty much exactly describes my experience over the last 20 years and where I'm at now. I'm just done. But people, who truly do not understand how soul destroyingly awful it has become keep giving me pep talks about "getting back out there" into the badlands of online dating. So I'm gonna print your article and make reading it a prerequisite before any unsolicited advice giving. Thank you!
Thank you so much for the note! I'm so glad it resonated (and so sorry about the state of the apps) - it's truly awful. And yes completely, people don't get how bad it is, it's really not worth it anymore for a lot of us. Also check out my novel (NOTHING SERIOUS) if you want more reading on this! It just came out - very much about how bad the dating apps are!
This is so good and so true. The apps are exhausting. I’ve decided that if I’m going to meet someone, it’s going to be because we happened to meet. Just go with the flow you know?
I’m around the same age, and also lived in Brooklyn for a while, but I managed to avoid the apps (and before them, online dating) entirely. I consider myself fortunate. Everything I hear is negative.
I also met my partner in that tiny golden era: soon after his separation AND before he became corrupted by dating apps!
He blissfully did not know the rules of engagement for modern dating! Thank god! He double / triple / quadruple texts. Calls more than texts. Makes plans sticks to them.
It was a delight in the beginning. We met at a coworking space and got to know each other as friends before we started dating. It’s a perfectly ordinary and wonderfully unremarkable origin story. And I could not be happier!
I’ve mostly been off apps for over a year; so burned out for reasons you describe (at least from the male perspective). People shopping on an app….what could go wrong🙄 Plus I’m in LA where there’s already a lot of selfishness, vanity, etc.
Maybe we need to address the fundamental problem. Its not men. Its….Men + modern internet p*rn, and the total denial that it fuels a laundry list of toxic behaviours, the most evident of which is their behaviour on these pornified dating apps. If you dont think this is a major piece of the problem (how porno is toxic for hetero boys/teens/men in general)….ask yourself if it doent explain, like, the last 20 years. Just sayin.
Not worth it. Ten (!) years on the app. I could never make it that long. Rather investing my energy into building a community around me that means I have no lack in my life.
37, 11 years single and I guess I opted out when I quit drinking over 2 years ago but I question if I ever really opted in? My attempts were half-arsed at best and came more from a societal pressure about what a 30 something woman “should” want and do. I think I’ve always know the kind of people I want in my life wouldn’t really be on apps. The amount of women I’ve heard who have stopped completely is huge. I don’t feel lacking in any way and am focusing more on friendships and community. Loved this anyway x
I loved this article, and I’m looking forward to reading your book!!
I moved country and started dating on apps when I was 29, and it was honestly so eye opening. That was only 5 years ago and since then I’ve heard so many of my friends speak about how it’s only gotten worse. I am so thankful I met my now partner on Hinge, but truth be told, so much of it WAS luck. I was on my last straw with the apps and was about to call it quits until we matched. Glad you found your person too 💖
I never comment on substack, but I loved your article. You nailed it. It made me cry. It pretty much exactly describes my experience over the last 20 years and where I'm at now. I'm just done. But people, who truly do not understand how soul destroyingly awful it has become keep giving me pep talks about "getting back out there" into the badlands of online dating. So I'm gonna print your article and make reading it a prerequisite before any unsolicited advice giving. Thank you!
Thank you so much for the note! I'm so glad it resonated (and so sorry about the state of the apps) - it's truly awful. And yes completely, people don't get how bad it is, it's really not worth it anymore for a lot of us. Also check out my novel (NOTHING SERIOUS) if you want more reading on this! It just came out - very much about how bad the dating apps are!
This is so good and so true. The apps are exhausting. I’ve decided that if I’m going to meet someone, it’s going to be because we happened to meet. Just go with the flow you know?
With the added mental and emotional labor required of women in hetero relationships, I don't even think hetero partnership is worth it at this point.
hah yesss, exactly what I'm saying! agree! :D
I’m around the same age, and also lived in Brooklyn for a while, but I managed to avoid the apps (and before them, online dating) entirely. I consider myself fortunate. Everything I hear is negative.
Glad you managed to find someone, despite that.
And best of luck with your debut novel!
"emotional carnage" -- yes
hah it really is
I also met my partner in that tiny golden era: soon after his separation AND before he became corrupted by dating apps!
He blissfully did not know the rules of engagement for modern dating! Thank god! He double / triple / quadruple texts. Calls more than texts. Makes plans sticks to them.
It was a delight in the beginning. We met at a coworking space and got to know each other as friends before we started dating. It’s a perfectly ordinary and wonderfully unremarkable origin story. And I could not be happier!
omg i love it! that's so funny, it is so true that it's helpful to meet people before they are corrupted!!
I want to write a really long comment but basically I just want to say this is a great article. Thanks for sharing!
thank you so much!!
I’ve opted out & completely given up hope on a “good” male existing over an extended period of time. No more constant disappointment. It feels great.
I’ve mostly been off apps for over a year; so burned out for reasons you describe (at least from the male perspective). People shopping on an app….what could go wrong🙄 Plus I’m in LA where there’s already a lot of selfishness, vanity, etc.
It really does burn you out! Totally get it!
Your experience mirrors mine in so many ways! Looking forward to reading Nothing Serious!
omg i know!! (from what I can tell) I hope you can make the Boston event, would love to catch up in person! (Feb 21st @ Harvard Book Store :))
Excellent depiction of today’s dating culture, thank you
Maybe we need to address the fundamental problem. Its not men. Its….Men + modern internet p*rn, and the total denial that it fuels a laundry list of toxic behaviours, the most evident of which is their behaviour on these pornified dating apps. If you dont think this is a major piece of the problem (how porno is toxic for hetero boys/teens/men in general)….ask yourself if it doent explain, like, the last 20 years. Just sayin.
Not worth it. Ten (!) years on the app. I could never make it that long. Rather investing my energy into building a community around me that means I have no lack in my life.
37, 11 years single and I guess I opted out when I quit drinking over 2 years ago but I question if I ever really opted in? My attempts were half-arsed at best and came more from a societal pressure about what a 30 something woman “should” want and do. I think I’ve always know the kind of people I want in my life wouldn’t really be on apps. The amount of women I’ve heard who have stopped completely is huge. I don’t feel lacking in any way and am focusing more on friendships and community. Loved this anyway x
I loved this article, and I’m looking forward to reading your book!!
I moved country and started dating on apps when I was 29, and it was honestly so eye opening. That was only 5 years ago and since then I’ve heard so many of my friends speak about how it’s only gotten worse. I am so thankful I met my now partner on Hinge, but truth be told, so much of it WAS luck. I was on my last straw with the apps and was about to call it quits until we matched. Glad you found your person too 💖
“Opt out” says the woman who found a partner on the app