Thank you for writing exactly what I needed to read in this moment.
I also joined the baby-or-not discussion last week, publishing a brief bit about my doubts/hesitations of doing something “I always thought I would do” — the impetus being an approaching 36th birthday with no long-term relationship in sight, and now, I realize, a large dose of fear of regret.
Still, I can’t imagine having a child any time soon. I love my life as-is, thank you very much. Reading this gave me a ton of comfort that I’m not alone, that I’m not crazy for thinking this way, and that I won’t be missing out on anything down the line if I stay childfree.
PS: I’d also like to read those thousands of words you’ve cut 🙂
Yes! This was exactly how I felt! So many women without kids seem to never have wanted them, but I'm also someone who "always thought I would" and then realized, oh, huh, I don't really want to enough to change everything.
36 is such a great age but it's *such* a hard age especially for navigating this question (the main character in my novel is 35 for exactly this reason). anyway thank you so much for reading and for the note about the other thousands of words haha, I will no doubt publish more on the subject soon :)
I resonate with your words and reflections so much. I would have to write an entire article just to articulate all the complex layers and nuances, so I’ll just say this made me feel very seen and my takeaway is to be present where I’m currently at, not mentally and emotionally “preparing” for a future with a child that doesn’t currently exist. Thank you 🤍
Thank you so much Gabrielle, I'm so glad it resonated! And 1000% to being present and not feeling the need to prepare for a future that doesn't yet exist ❤️
“you should not make decisions based on what you think your future self might want” this is the advice I need right now. I’m trying to make a decision - not baby related, boob related -double mastectomy or single, reconstruction or no? And so much of the advice I’ve been given is to consider what I’ll want in the coming years. What I want right now? Get this over with as soon as possible.
I have a kid, but I appreciate this essay as I am watching many of my friends grapple with this question right now. Selfishly, I want them to have kids, to have more of my close friends in this club, but I know how much pressure women are under their whole lives to feel they should want kids, so I’m careful to be as supportive as I can as they work through this without being another voice saying “you’ll regret it!”
wow, a huge decision and similarly i'm sure whatever you decide will be right for you, it's so hard to predict who our future selves will be and what they'll hypothetically want ❤️ also thank you for being so supportive to your child-free friends, i'm certain they appreciate it! x
'i did not want a baby enough to be happy having one' is an inspired line. This is superb piece. I'm married but chose not to have children which was right and no regret.
This was such a powerful essay. I saw a lot of myself in it, too. I assumed I'd have kids because it was the done thing. But similarly to you, in my early 30s, I wasn't in any serious relationships and when I finally started to think about whether motherhood would happen or not, I realised I didn't even WANT it, I'd kind of just been sleepwalking through that part. I felt such freedom after that. When I met my now-partner, he and I discussed very early on that neither of us wanted children and I feel so content with that decision.
wow yes, that is extremely similar to my situation! it's amazing how we just assume kids is a given when in reality it's such a complicated decision that is not right for everyone. thanks for reading!
Outstanding post. Love the honesty about a topic that frankly, too many folks are far too judgy about. The world would be a better place if more people thought and cared like this.
If you haven’t read it yet, I would highly recommend “The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano” by Donna Freitas — I have chosen not to have kids, and this is the first novel I’ve read that felt like it really explored that choice with a lot of love and care and honesty.
I definitely wanted kids and had them as soon as I’d finished college. For me, the question came 15 years later, with a second marriage—do I want more kids? And yeah, I did, but I didn’t have them because I couldn’t see how we could afford them and I was 40. I’ll never stop being sorry we didn’t have one. My husband is a great stepdad and would have been a great dad. I see him with the grandkids and it’s so touching. But … money. We just couldn’t figure out how to manage it.
I LOVE THIS CONVERSATION! And I loved hearing all of your reflections on it. Thank you for sharing such incredible perspective and giving readers such great questions to contemplate <3
I think it's interesting that having kids is always treated like it's some pure and holy decision that emanates from one's soul. When in fact it's a combination of many things: preferences, finances, career, partnership status, social group, location... For some people, I'm sure, the desire to have children is clear from a young age (although it can still be thwarted or overridden) and for others the desire not to have them is equally clear (although, again, it can still be overridden). For many people, though, I would guess it's one piece of a very complex puzzle - that's certainly what it was for me.
It seems about as sensible as asking someone "Do you want to take a year-long trip to every continent in the world?" For some people the answer is, "No." For some people the answer is, "Yes and I will rearrange my life to make it happen." And for most of us the answer is, "That sounds great, but [practicalities and other priorities] and I'm not sure where it would fit." Except with kids it's an 18-year trip and it's mostly to Sesame Place.
Thank you for writing exactly what I needed to read in this moment.
I also joined the baby-or-not discussion last week, publishing a brief bit about my doubts/hesitations of doing something “I always thought I would do” — the impetus being an approaching 36th birthday with no long-term relationship in sight, and now, I realize, a large dose of fear of regret.
Still, I can’t imagine having a child any time soon. I love my life as-is, thank you very much. Reading this gave me a ton of comfort that I’m not alone, that I’m not crazy for thinking this way, and that I won’t be missing out on anything down the line if I stay childfree.
PS: I’d also like to read those thousands of words you’ve cut 🙂
Yes! This was exactly how I felt! So many women without kids seem to never have wanted them, but I'm also someone who "always thought I would" and then realized, oh, huh, I don't really want to enough to change everything.
36 is such a great age but it's *such* a hard age especially for navigating this question (the main character in my novel is 35 for exactly this reason). anyway thank you so much for reading and for the note about the other thousands of words haha, I will no doubt publish more on the subject soon :)
I resonate with your words and reflections so much. I would have to write an entire article just to articulate all the complex layers and nuances, so I’ll just say this made me feel very seen and my takeaway is to be present where I’m currently at, not mentally and emotionally “preparing” for a future with a child that doesn’t currently exist. Thank you 🤍
Thank you so much Gabrielle, I'm so glad it resonated! And 1000% to being present and not feeling the need to prepare for a future that doesn't yet exist ❤️
This felt good to read today as a childless married woman in her 30s surrounded by other women with children. Thanks for sharing.
oh i'm so glad! thank you for reading!
“you should not make decisions based on what you think your future self might want” this is the advice I need right now. I’m trying to make a decision - not baby related, boob related -double mastectomy or single, reconstruction or no? And so much of the advice I’ve been given is to consider what I’ll want in the coming years. What I want right now? Get this over with as soon as possible.
I have a kid, but I appreciate this essay as I am watching many of my friends grapple with this question right now. Selfishly, I want them to have kids, to have more of my close friends in this club, but I know how much pressure women are under their whole lives to feel they should want kids, so I’m careful to be as supportive as I can as they work through this without being another voice saying “you’ll regret it!”
wow, a huge decision and similarly i'm sure whatever you decide will be right for you, it's so hard to predict who our future selves will be and what they'll hypothetically want ❤️ also thank you for being so supportive to your child-free friends, i'm certain they appreciate it! x
'i did not want a baby enough to be happy having one' is an inspired line. This is superb piece. I'm married but chose not to have children which was right and no regret.
Thank you so much for saying that! When that line hit it felt so accurate. And yay to another story of no regrets :)
This was such a powerful essay. I saw a lot of myself in it, too. I assumed I'd have kids because it was the done thing. But similarly to you, in my early 30s, I wasn't in any serious relationships and when I finally started to think about whether motherhood would happen or not, I realised I didn't even WANT it, I'd kind of just been sleepwalking through that part. I felt such freedom after that. When I met my now-partner, he and I discussed very early on that neither of us wanted children and I feel so content with that decision.
wow yes, that is extremely similar to my situation! it's amazing how we just assume kids is a given when in reality it's such a complicated decision that is not right for everyone. thanks for reading!
Outstanding post. Love the honesty about a topic that frankly, too many folks are far too judgy about. The world would be a better place if more people thought and cared like this.
Thank you so much Matt! Really appreciate that, and agree we need to stop with the judgement. Thanks for reading!
If you haven’t read it yet, I would highly recommend “The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano” by Donna Freitas — I have chosen not to have kids, and this is the first novel I’ve read that felt like it really explored that choice with a lot of love and care and honesty.
Felt every single word of this in my bones.
Aw thank you SO much! so glad it resonated ❤️
Beautiful meditation on an important theme. Could certainly relate to a lot of what was written, esp. decision-making via FOMO. Great work
thank you so much for reading!
I definitely wanted kids and had them as soon as I’d finished college. For me, the question came 15 years later, with a second marriage—do I want more kids? And yeah, I did, but I didn’t have them because I couldn’t see how we could afford them and I was 40. I’ll never stop being sorry we didn’t have one. My husband is a great stepdad and would have been a great dad. I see him with the grandkids and it’s so touching. But … money. We just couldn’t figure out how to manage it.
ah yes such a hard complicated question with so many trade-offs and money is a big one... thank you for reading!
I LOVE THIS CONVERSATION! And I loved hearing all of your reflections on it. Thank you for sharing such incredible perspective and giving readers such great questions to contemplate <3
Thank you so much Ruthie!! That means so much, and excited to read your book! x
Relate to this a lot, thank you for writing!
Thank you so much for reading!
Brilliant as always, and very relatable!
thank you rumana!! ❤️
I think it's interesting that having kids is always treated like it's some pure and holy decision that emanates from one's soul. When in fact it's a combination of many things: preferences, finances, career, partnership status, social group, location... For some people, I'm sure, the desire to have children is clear from a young age (although it can still be thwarted or overridden) and for others the desire not to have them is equally clear (although, again, it can still be overridden). For many people, though, I would guess it's one piece of a very complex puzzle - that's certainly what it was for me.
It seems about as sensible as asking someone "Do you want to take a year-long trip to every continent in the world?" For some people the answer is, "No." For some people the answer is, "Yes and I will rearrange my life to make it happen." And for most of us the answer is, "That sounds great, but [practicalities and other priorities] and I'm not sure where it would fit." Except with kids it's an 18-year trip and it's mostly to Sesame Place.
Thank you for this beautifully articulated, deeply thoughtful, and resonant piece.