This was the first thing I read this Morning and I have to comment on how beautifully candid and real your writing is. For someone who has not experienced the disease, but having known someone who suffered from it, your words are harrowing and enlightening. I’m sorry you have gone through this, but what a full circle moment to write about it so honestly. Really loved this piece. Picking up your novel too.
Carrie - thank you so much for this note! You've completely made my day. This piece is obviously very personal, so I really appreciate you reading and sharing this! xx
This is such an honest, grainy yet close, look at something that should be so fundamental: feeding our bodies. You've really made me think about how that seemingly simple, life-giving act impacts so many different parts of a life and how this very messed up system we live within does us no favors. Thank you for always sharing so openly with us. I'm glad you found writing — we're all better off for it.
One Saturday, after binging and purging, I set for a long run. Saturdays were always my long-run days, but if I’d also woofed down five bowls of cereal, like I’d that Saturday, I’d force myself run to keep going, maybe even run to the gym and do 10 minutes on the climber. This was the healthy part of the day after what I considered my ED morning. Running past a group of familiar day laborers, I waved as one shouted, “here comes the fittest woman around!” The declaration almost stopped me in my track. I was not healthy. I was not strong. running proved I was among the fit; it reinforced the magical thinking that I had tricked the system. That I could run on empty.
In recovery for eight years, I am seeing fully how much time my eating disorder demanded. If your whole mind is filled with machinations of to “get your workout in” or “control this tiny world,” you won’t have time to create, to be in your body without being of scared of it.
Thank you for your candid story, yes I felt like the only thing I could "control" in my life during my undergrad engineering was my exercise and eating since my grades were sinking. Really moving, and yes writing saved me. When I exercise now I focus on gains in flexibility and strength not calorie burning.
So wild how much we have in common! My ED also started while I was studying engineering in undergrad, surrounded by men, feeling out of my depth and like everything was out of my control. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience!
Oof. I relate to so much of this -- including the way that writing became the thing that replaced your ED for you (you had another private place to go). I, too, am not bothered by the solitude of the writing life; I crave it, in fact, in the same way that I found solace in making lists of calorie counts or mileage run. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.
Thank you for such an honest and personal reflection. I haven't experienced an ED myself, but I am familiar with how it changes someone you care about. Like any addiction, it leaves those who care feeling helpless, and abandoned, in a sense. It's incredible how far the tentacles of this disease reach. I'm so sorry you've experience this, Emily—and also so happy that you can truly write about it in the past tense now. Many congratulations on the residency as well!
One Saturday, after binging and purging, I set for a long run. Saturdays were always my long-run days, but if I’d also woofed down five bowls of cereal, I’d force myself run to keep going, maybe even run to the gym and do 10 minutes on the climber. This was the healthy part of the day after what I considered my ED morning. Running proved I was among the fit; it reinforced the magical thinking that I had tricked the system. That I could run on empty.
In recovery for eight years, I am seeing fully how much time my eating disorder demanded. If your whole mind is filled with machinations of to “get your workout in” or “control this tiny world,” you won’t have time to create, to be in your body without being of scared of it.
This was the first thing I read this Morning and I have to comment on how beautifully candid and real your writing is. For someone who has not experienced the disease, but having known someone who suffered from it, your words are harrowing and enlightening. I’m sorry you have gone through this, but what a full circle moment to write about it so honestly. Really loved this piece. Picking up your novel too.
Also huge congrats on the residency!
Carrie
Carrie - thank you so much for this note! You've completely made my day. This piece is obviously very personal, so I really appreciate you reading and sharing this! xx
This was hauntingly beautiful and felt a bit like holding a mirror to my younger, distressed self. You have such a gift, Emily!
Aw thank you so much Chris! Really, really appreciate this <3
This is such an honest, grainy yet close, look at something that should be so fundamental: feeding our bodies. You've really made me think about how that seemingly simple, life-giving act impacts so many different parts of a life and how this very messed up system we live within does us no favors. Thank you for always sharing so openly with us. I'm glad you found writing — we're all better off for it.
Sarah, thank you for this gorgeous and kind note! Really appreciate you reading and for the support and encouragement, means a lot ❤️ ❤️
A beautiful piece. Glad you’re doing well now :)
Thank you so much Mikala! I'm such a *huge* fan of your writing, I really appreciate you reading and sharing this! ❤️
One Saturday, after binging and purging, I set for a long run. Saturdays were always my long-run days, but if I’d also woofed down five bowls of cereal, like I’d that Saturday, I’d force myself run to keep going, maybe even run to the gym and do 10 minutes on the climber. This was the healthy part of the day after what I considered my ED morning. Running past a group of familiar day laborers, I waved as one shouted, “here comes the fittest woman around!” The declaration almost stopped me in my track. I was not healthy. I was not strong. running proved I was among the fit; it reinforced the magical thinking that I had tricked the system. That I could run on empty.
In recovery for eight years, I am seeing fully how much time my eating disorder demanded. If your whole mind is filled with machinations of to “get your workout in” or “control this tiny world,” you won’t have time to create, to be in your body without being of scared of it.
Yes, this! Completely! I feel this so much, it takes over your mind entirely. Thank you so much for reading and sharing! <3
Thank you for your candid story, yes I felt like the only thing I could "control" in my life during my undergrad engineering was my exercise and eating since my grades were sinking. Really moving, and yes writing saved me. When I exercise now I focus on gains in flexibility and strength not calorie burning.
So wild how much we have in common! My ED also started while I was studying engineering in undergrad, surrounded by men, feeling out of my depth and like everything was out of my control. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience!
We cannot repeat this enough: society is enabling, applauding and rewarding women for disappearing. Brava!
Oof. I relate to so much of this -- including the way that writing became the thing that replaced your ED for you (you had another private place to go). I, too, am not bothered by the solitude of the writing life; I crave it, in fact, in the same way that I found solace in making lists of calorie counts or mileage run. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.
Thank you for such an honest and personal reflection. I haven't experienced an ED myself, but I am familiar with how it changes someone you care about. Like any addiction, it leaves those who care feeling helpless, and abandoned, in a sense. It's incredible how far the tentacles of this disease reach. I'm so sorry you've experience this, Emily—and also so happy that you can truly write about it in the past tense now. Many congratulations on the residency as well!
One Saturday, after binging and purging, I set for a long run. Saturdays were always my long-run days, but if I’d also woofed down five bowls of cereal, I’d force myself run to keep going, maybe even run to the gym and do 10 minutes on the climber. This was the healthy part of the day after what I considered my ED morning. Running proved I was among the fit; it reinforced the magical thinking that I had tricked the system. That I could run on empty.
In recovery for eight years, I am seeing fully how much time my eating disorder demanded. If your whole mind is filled with machinations of to “get your workout in” or “control this tiny world,” you won’t have time to create, to be in your body without being of scared of it.