Happy New Year!
One year of Unresolving
As I was thinking of how to sum up one year of the newsletter, or at least acknowledge it, I remembered the whole name “Unresolving” came from reading old New Year’s resolutions. I was in a low place last January—between jobs, in a writing slump, generally feeling terrible—and was frequently comparing myself to others who seemed to have achieved more typical markers of a “success.” Looking back on old resolutions, I was reminded how many of my goals had been rooted in what I thought I “should” do rather than what I actually wanted, and how much my life changed as I began to even just access the latter. An inarguably good change overall, but one that didn’t always feel good moment to moment. At the time, I noticed a lot of friends my age, especially women, exploring the same.
My general hope with Unresolving was to have more fun with writing. Because I hadn’t in a long time. I’d spent the previous year revising an old novel and pitching it to uninterested agents, but not really writing. Before that, I was churning out posts to grow my startup (which I then had to dissolve) and hadn’t regularly written for myself in years. This was devastating since writing was the first thing in my life I felt I was doing because I loved it, not just for the affirmation it brought me (none when I started). I wanted to love it again, without worrying about all the pitching and rejection and proving myself that capitalism has a tendency to swirl us up in.
I’m happy to report that I have! Kind of. At least I’ve started to. This is my fourteenth post of the year, so we’re averaging more than once a month, which I feel proud of (and frankly shocked by). I still spend way too much time on a single post. I’m not someone who can toss off fun, carefree musings—draft a piece in one day and send it out the next, or (is this even possible?) the same day; especially not with a full-time job. I ruminate on a piece and rewrite it for many, many days, if not weeks.
One might say this is an insane waste of time for someone with only a few hundred subscribers. To which I say—whatever. I am so grateful for everyone who reads this newsletter. The subscriber base—though relatively small, just under 300—has doubled since we started! I chip away at these posts because it’s important for me to feel a piece is (somewhat—is it ever really?) finished. And if I’m going to put something into the world and into your inbox with the implication that I would like you to read it, I’m going to put some non-trivial amount of time into it.
When I started this newsletter I gave myself permission to send it whenever I felt I had something to say, rather than specific weekly or monthly targets; part of “having fun with writing.” Inherently, this meant that my goal was not about growth, but publishing pieces I was interested in and to some degree proud of. There is a counter-intuitive tension between growth and pride, which most writers (dare I say artists?) seem to encounter. To optimize for growth often (not always!) requires a simplification—choosing a theme, for example, that can be boiled down to a few marketable words. Then churning out frequent installations of that theme. It’s its own skill, not at all trivial, to do this well. But it’s also in opposition to the freedom I was looking for when I started.
I’m a slow writer. As an engineer, I didn’t write or read much in college, I never really learned grammar, my vocabulary is trash (the thesaurus is open constantly), and I’m the opposite of quippy—witty text banter makes me nervous. But I’ve devoured enough podcasts with writers to realize this is okay. The kind of writing I’m interested in is more about thoughts than words; I mostly write is to figure out what I think. How to then translate that into compelling sentences is secondary and often tedious, like a NY Times puzzle. But, like those puzzles, it’s bizarrely addicting and immensely gratifying once it’s done. Especially since, with writing, the reward is a version of yourself articulated back to you.
Looking ahead, 2024 feels like a year of preparation for the publication of my book (that draft I spent all of 2022 pitching will actually be published in Feb 2025!!). This might sound sad—a year of waiting?—but hear me out. Publishing a novel is maybe the biggest event of my adult life thus far. It takes planning and preparation, and with that comes a period of anticipatory excitement. And I live for anticipatory excitement. I’m the kind of person who, when invited to dinner, wants to pick the restaurant immediately so I can look up the menu and choose what I’ll order, then anticipate that order until the moment the food hits my mouth (at which point the excitement is over).
I wonder if the year before a book publishes might be the best part of the whole process? The window when I know my book is coming and have people to work with to get it ready, but don’t yet have to confront its sales. In other words, I can still sit in the delusion that I’ll get a TV deal and fall asleep every night to the question of who will play me. At least this is how it was with my startup: the period after we got funding, when were eagerly, creatively building the app, but before we officially launched and had to deal with the fraught slog of marketing it—was by far the best part.
That’s not to say I plan to take this coming year easy. I’m excited to try getting into a more regular groove with Unresolving, possibly even focus a little more on “growth.” To find a voice that does not feel so false and performative that writing becomes inherently charged and miserable, but is also a little more concise and frequent. For the past seven years or so (barring my 2020 depression), I worked like crazy writing a novel between the cracks of my job with no idea that my drafts would ever see the light of day (and many didn’t). It’s a total gift to work now with the knowledge that there is an actual publication date at the end of the tunnel. So, with that in mind, hopefully (maybe) I’ll see you more often this coming year!
SOME ODDS AND ENDS!
Follow-up from my last post:
(About a writer’s decision to have a child after being publicly childfree.) As the story continues, it seems, she ultimately didn’t want to make the decision so she left it up to chance—decided not to not try, as they say. A lot of people do this, and I understand the instinct, but I hadn’t expected this was where she would land. Leaving such a huge decision up to chance is utterly fascinating to me. Especially since deciding not to decide is, of course, a decision. Anyway, I’m clearly very interested in all this and will probably write more about it at some point.
A few pieces that caught my eye recently:
My sister resurfaced this article from last January about the shame of living with an eating disorder as an adult and I thought it was so incredibly thorough and well done. My ED struggles are mostly in the past, but the physical repercussions are rearing their scary little heads as I get older, and the shadows of an ED often loom large in the psyche, even if after behaviors and habits have normalized.
This deep dive on age differences in relationships, of which I am notoriously critical (specifically older men and younger women). I loved Dan Savage’s take on the situation (as always), and the finding that the most egalitarian age gap relationships are those between an older woman and younger man.
The Year of the Female Creep! Katy Waldman always has acute observations and this is no exception. I can only hope the buzz of this trend continues since my main character will feel so perfectly at home amongst fellow female creeps.
Things I’m looking forward to maybe writing about this year:
On being witnessed (the highs and lows of being in a committed relationship)
More on the kids decision (of course), on which I am becoming more clear
The crippling anxiety of the Author Photo
The tyranny of self-promotion
How humiliating and fun it is to start something new in middle-ish age
The many costs of writing a novel
In defense of (playful) hero worship
Long term eating disorder stuff (a la the recommended reading above)
Also going to try some “How to” posts, like sharing the query letter that landed me an agent, bc the publishing world is cray and I was constantly Googling things like this when I was going through it.
Thank you SO MUCH for reading Unresolving! I’d love to hear what you’re interested in reading about this year if you want to drop notes in the comments. I’m so grateful for everyone who subscribes.
Also, I know this has been a horrific year on many fronts. I don’t get into current events here for my own personal reasons, but it’s hard not to acknowledge. I hope people are finding joy and impact where they can.
Wishing everyone a very happy 2024! ❤️
That Airbnb looks cozy as hell! Happy New Year ✨
I’m interested in reading all of it, seriously!!