Oh man, as you know, I feel this so hard. Though I am now officially a "stepmom," the term still makes me uncomfortable--mostly because the kids are teenagers, and have been mostly fully grown since I met them. So I haven't had any experience with tucking in or reading stories or running around playing games of pretend--which does cause me some sadness and regret. But even though I'm a stepmom in legal terms, I'm still very much figuring out how to define my role in these kids' lives. Every day is a minefield--it's been especially difficult lately, and I'm not sure if it goes along with my accepting that loaded title of stepmother last summer.
I'm looking forward to your novel! There's SO MUCH material to write about....so much of it actually horrific. <3
ahh yess, Jill! I know, the term is so loaded and limited, I wish there were more words!! I can definitely see why post-marraige it would maybe feel even stranger. And thank you re novel :) it really is an eerie in-between!! Excited to continue hearing how it goes for you! xx
This made me tear up. Thanks for writing. I was a parental figure for my youngest siblings growing up, and always felt that "older sister" wasn't quite the right title for all the nights I spent holding them, making them dinner, and holding them when they cried. This resonated with that strongly, and I look forward to continue reading your work!!
As always, thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts.
This form of family has become increasingly common in Sweden the past decades. A word has developed for unmarried new partners of parents, “bonus mom” and “bonus dad”. It is now pretty established, there was a show on public tv called “The Bonus Family”. I guess people have different feelings about it, but it is at least a word that is used and people understand what it means.
Lotta! I love this! And (as you know) love the nordic region, always showing us the way :) Very cool that those are established terms, I've heard them here and there but not much, I think "bonus" is a great alternative to "step." Thank you for reading and hope you're well!! x
Yeah this relationship, esp, being together but living apart, needs to be normalized more.
Yes a female relative of mine has been with her 'boyfriend' for over 30 years. He was divorced and had teenaged kids when they met, and then had grand kids, who he watched a lot and spent a lot of time with. She didn't have any desire to get married or have children and he vowed never to marry again after a messy divorce. Plus they had thier own pets and residences. Living in the same town it made it easy to keep separate residences. however, she drew strong boundaries around not being involved in any sort of stepmom role not even picking kids up from school and just was a bystander at events like graduations, birthday parties, ect. It worked because they kept strong, consistent schedules of meeting up every week when they both worked and rarely deviated and then took vacations together. Now they are both retired so it's easier and they see each other every day.
So interesting, and I respect that so much! It can be hard if you very decidedly don't want children to then get looped into parental responsibilities as a stepparent. i love the living separately setup. very cool for people to figure out what works best for them!!
My wife came into my kids lives when they were 3 and 5. While she is indeed their step-mom, I had a step mother who was more Cinderella’s than maternal. Step mother was a painful term, and my wife’s love and devotion to my children was and remains extraordinary in its devotion and stability. Conversely, when I came into their lives, my wife’s children were 19 and 21, and the 21 year old was married and pregnant. A step-mom to adults? What an odd concept, particularly considering the age difference between my wife’s daughter and I is closer than mine to my sister’s (13 vs 16 years, respectively.) So, for both sets, we use the term “Bonus Mom.” It brings a sense of joy and vibrancy, and allows us to define the roles in ways that work for all of us. For my bio-kids, my wife really is a second mother, caring for them, disciplining them, and loving them as children. For the adults, I’m a bonus mom in that I’m there for extras - making dinner, helping pack when they move, advice when asked (and sometimes when not asked, I’m not perfect at this) - available when they want but also content to watch them bloom and grow as adults from afar. The takeaway of this for me is, if the role society prescribes for you doesn’t align with your needs and values, be creative and make what does. All of these terms are made up anyway, so just make up what works for you and your family.
It’s can be so hard to navigate these linguistic twists and turns ❤️.
As someone in a two mom family, with *two* (bonus?) dads, I’ve often struggled with what to call my relationship to our daughter’s dads’ families. Finally I decided to just call the sisters my sisters in law and let people be confused if they need to be…
Oh man, as you know, I feel this so hard. Though I am now officially a "stepmom," the term still makes me uncomfortable--mostly because the kids are teenagers, and have been mostly fully grown since I met them. So I haven't had any experience with tucking in or reading stories or running around playing games of pretend--which does cause me some sadness and regret. But even though I'm a stepmom in legal terms, I'm still very much figuring out how to define my role in these kids' lives. Every day is a minefield--it's been especially difficult lately, and I'm not sure if it goes along with my accepting that loaded title of stepmother last summer.
I'm looking forward to your novel! There's SO MUCH material to write about....so much of it actually horrific. <3
ahh yess, Jill! I know, the term is so loaded and limited, I wish there were more words!! I can definitely see why post-marraige it would maybe feel even stranger. And thank you re novel :) it really is an eerie in-between!! Excited to continue hearing how it goes for you! xx
This made me tear up. Thanks for writing. I was a parental figure for my youngest siblings growing up, and always felt that "older sister" wasn't quite the right title for all the nights I spent holding them, making them dinner, and holding them when they cried. This resonated with that strongly, and I look forward to continue reading your work!!
Aww yes, wow very similar - no accurate name for all the support your provide. They were (are) lucky to have you, thank you for reading! <3
Gorgeous. He's a lucky kid to have you in his life, no matter what!
Aw thank you Nikki, and thanks for reading!! <3
As always, thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts.
This form of family has become increasingly common in Sweden the past decades. A word has developed for unmarried new partners of parents, “bonus mom” and “bonus dad”. It is now pretty established, there was a show on public tv called “The Bonus Family”. I guess people have different feelings about it, but it is at least a word that is used and people understand what it means.
Lotta! I love this! And (as you know) love the nordic region, always showing us the way :) Very cool that those are established terms, I've heard them here and there but not much, I think "bonus" is a great alternative to "step." Thank you for reading and hope you're well!! x
Bonus family is the best show ever, you have to watch it Emily
omg another swedish show that I somehow completely missed! absolutely will watch!!
Yeah this relationship, esp, being together but living apart, needs to be normalized more.
Yes a female relative of mine has been with her 'boyfriend' for over 30 years. He was divorced and had teenaged kids when they met, and then had grand kids, who he watched a lot and spent a lot of time with. She didn't have any desire to get married or have children and he vowed never to marry again after a messy divorce. Plus they had thier own pets and residences. Living in the same town it made it easy to keep separate residences. however, she drew strong boundaries around not being involved in any sort of stepmom role not even picking kids up from school and just was a bystander at events like graduations, birthday parties, ect. It worked because they kept strong, consistent schedules of meeting up every week when they both worked and rarely deviated and then took vacations together. Now they are both retired so it's easier and they see each other every day.
So interesting, and I respect that so much! It can be hard if you very decidedly don't want children to then get looped into parental responsibilities as a stepparent. i love the living separately setup. very cool for people to figure out what works best for them!!
My wife came into my kids lives when they were 3 and 5. While she is indeed their step-mom, I had a step mother who was more Cinderella’s than maternal. Step mother was a painful term, and my wife’s love and devotion to my children was and remains extraordinary in its devotion and stability. Conversely, when I came into their lives, my wife’s children were 19 and 21, and the 21 year old was married and pregnant. A step-mom to adults? What an odd concept, particularly considering the age difference between my wife’s daughter and I is closer than mine to my sister’s (13 vs 16 years, respectively.) So, for both sets, we use the term “Bonus Mom.” It brings a sense of joy and vibrancy, and allows us to define the roles in ways that work for all of us. For my bio-kids, my wife really is a second mother, caring for them, disciplining them, and loving them as children. For the adults, I’m a bonus mom in that I’m there for extras - making dinner, helping pack when they move, advice when asked (and sometimes when not asked, I’m not perfect at this) - available when they want but also content to watch them bloom and grow as adults from afar. The takeaway of this for me is, if the role society prescribes for you doesn’t align with your needs and values, be creative and make what does. All of these terms are made up anyway, so just make up what works for you and your family.
It’s can be so hard to navigate these linguistic twists and turns ❤️.
As someone in a two mom family, with *two* (bonus?) dads, I’ve often struggled with what to call my relationship to our daughter’s dads’ families. Finally I decided to just call the sisters my sisters in law and let people be confused if they need to be…
Thank you for writing this x